The life I am living is not the same as the life that wants to live in me. In those moments I sometimes catch a glimpse of my true life, a life hidden like the river beneath the ice. And in the spirit of the poet, I wonder: What am I meant to do? Who am I meant to be?
PARKER J. PALMER (LET YOUR LIFE SPEAK)
Have you ever felt this way – yearning for a deeper life you sense is within you waiting to be uncovered?
Eight years ago, I stood at the threshold of midlife feeling fragmented – like I’d lost valuable pieces of myself in the seasons that came before. Now I was expected to step into a new life stage and I had no idea how to do that.
Those missing pieces were facets of my identity holding the key to the hidden life Parker Palmer speaks about in the opening quote. To find those fragments of my whole self, I had to retrace my steps back in time to where I lost those pieces. I needed to examine the very foundations of my identity to reclaim the essential parts of me I’d lost along the way.
The unexamined life is not worth living.
SOCRATES
A Fractured Identity
I grew up in the seventies in a small, displaced community in South Africa entrenched in the country’s sombre historic social context. My family, along with thousands of other marginalized families, faced oppressive structures that can strip you of your innate sense of worth.
Imagine what happens to a young human soul when you segregate them from mainstream society based on their genetic makeup, deny them access to quality education, healthcare and equal job opportunities. Or, you squelch their curiosity about life, shame them for showing emotions, and expect them to conform to beliefs, world views, and cultural expectations that don’t align with their innate self? You don’t teach them the value and nature of healthy boundaries or how to honour individuality within the collective. You don’t offer them the tools to deal with conflict in healthy ways.
Something breaks inside that soul.
Feeling unworthy fragments you and makes it impossible to create a safe sense of belonging in the world. Without the tools to unravel and reframe your early social influences, you move through life trying to prove to the world and yourself that you are good enough while spiralling through recurring states of anxiety.
Conditional Self-Worth
Throughout my teens and early adulthood, every choice I made was shaped guard me against shame, failure, and rejection. I looked outside myself for validation and approval and blindly adopted ways of being to guard against rejection. While hustling for that sense of worthiness there was a persistent niggling that I was overlooking something I couldn’t quite identify.
Shifting Cultures and Motherhood
By my mid-twenties, I married and left the cultural climate of my childhood community to start my nuclear family in a post-democratic South Africa. For the next two decades, I straddled an in-between existence in a new multicultural landscape still haunted by shadows of inferiority and searching for a secure sense of collective belonging.
I strived to offer my children all the things to grow and develop in ways that lacked in my early developing years. My eagerness to help shape their growth differently left little room to nurture my own. My life outside of motherhood and marriage and extended family felt stagnant, like I was standing still.
Decades later, when my children started gaining independence, I faced a new challenge. Suddenly my value and contribution as fulltime mother felt obsolete.
Faced with the shifts in parenthood, something dawned on me. I was trapped in unhelpful beliefs, wearing protective social masks that framed my life and relationships and contributed to the sense of loss Kierkegaard describes.
I was existing but not fully living.
A striking quote by Kierkegaard echoed the void I felt.
The greatest hazard of all, losing oneself, can occur very quietly in the world as if it were nothing at all. No other loss can occur so quietly; any other loss – an arm, a leg, five dollars, a wife, etc. – is sure to be noticed.
S∅REN KIERKEGAARD
Do you own your story?
In her book, Rising Strong, Brené Brown emphasises the importance of challenging the distorted stories that keep us stuck and prevent us from living, fully. She writes:
You either walk into your story and own your truth, or you live outside of your story, hustling for your worthiness. When we deny our stories and disengage from tough emotions, they don’t go away; instead, they own us, they define us. Our job is not to deny the story, but to defy the ending—to rise strong, recognize our story, and rumble with the truth until we get to a place where we think, Yes, this is what happened. This is my truth. And I will choose how this story ends.
BRENÉ BROWN (RISING STRONG)
Those words rang out like a warrior’s call to fight for your innate freedom to be your whole, healed, truest self. It nudges you back to re-examine your earlier experiences, traumas, or significant events without distorting and reshaping facts about the past. Rather, to consider all the facts within their full context now that you’re better shaped and equipped with the tools to do so. Particularly if those events happened when you were young and unable to fully process its complexity.
Living in the shadows of your life
By midlife, I had long moved on from childhood, yet I was still responding to life from an old fractured identity and faulty storylines. I had been drifting through life on autopilot for decades, trying to outperform my ‘not good enough‘ identity. I never paused to re-evaluate the labels and distorted self-concept I’d adopted. Or, to question the origin of those self-limiting beliefs. Instead, I lived in the shadows those distortions cast around me.
One day I finally understood that it’s up to me to re-examine and adjust my foundations to shift my essential self – my blueprint back in place.
Awakening to Midlife
One of the most powerful gifts of midlife is a distinct awareness that it’s finally time to find your way back to your whole self. With that comes a newfound, welcome freedom and courage to challenge the stories that hinder your sense of wholeness.
The things you tolerated until now, no longer feel bearable. You start to re-examine beliefs you blindly inherited and practiced but never thought to question before now. The fears that held you back from speaking up or stepping out of your comfort zone, lose their grip. The drive to please while disregarding your need for mutual respect and reciprocal care is no longer acceptable.
You drop the social masks you once wore to fit in to be accepted and feel like you belong. Instead, you make space for your imperfect, quirky self to just be. Self-doubt and insecurity make way for inner calm. You start drawing on your inherent qualities to live a life best shaped to fit your true nature. In other words, you stop shapeshifting.
Midlife is a beautiful awakening to your deeper, truer self that feels both liberating and empowering.
What is the blueprint of your life?
We are born with an inherent identity grounded in unconditional worth and value. It’s a blueprint marked with a unique personality, natural abilities, passions, and interests to help you craft a fulfilling life. In my faith, scripture calls it to live a life to the fullest. We are not blank slates to be shaped and moulded into forms that don’t complement our authentic selves.
In childhood, you’re dependent on caregivers, educators, religion, cultures, and society to teach you about yourself and how to function in the world. If you’re among the fortunate few, your life teachers will help shape your innate blueprint.
More often though, that’s not the case, and you reach adulthood with a knowing that your life doesn’t fully make sense. It feels like essential parts of you have not fully developed the way it was meant to. Instead, you learned to think, view, and do as you’ve been conditioned. A common saying among Gen X growing up in the 70s and 80s is that children should be seen and not heard (ouch).
Whose Voice Will You Believe?
The voices grappling to influence you can seem like a revolving door with ever-shifting views and trends that nudge you towards conformity. If you don’t have a clear grasp on your authentic self, you risk falling prey to these influences to feel like you fit in.
In adulthood, you’re no longer a child blindly trusting and internalizing the influences of others. You have the power to choose which voices to trust. You can now determine who can unconditionally support your well-being and growth toward reaching your full potential.
Creating Harmony Between Your Essential and Social Selves
The key to creating a balance between your essential and social self, according to those in the know, is to get the essential and social self to work in harmony to help you reach the life you’re meant to live. While the essential self can help you access all your inborn qualities and resources, the social self can carry you towards your ideal life using the helpful social skills you’ve learned throughout life.
Midlife nudged you to flip the switch from autopilot to reclaim control of your identity story, re-ground your self-concept in an innate sense of worth and unconditional acceptance, completely separated from external validation or approval. You realise you don’t need to earn love, acceptance or belonging. You are worthy, full-stop. You are valuable, full-stop.
Wherever you position yourself in the world, you belong.
How do you redefine motherhood?
The concern that my value as parent was becoming obsolete when my children gained independence, proved to be a misconception. Motherhood doesn’t dissolve. It simply shifts to something new. You spend eighteen plus years, training and shaping your children for independence. When they’re ready, it’s time to celebrate their empowerment and ability to take the reins. You can step back but stay connected as a constant source of love and support. You’re simply adapting to a new season and a new chapter in your family story.
How do you cultivate healthier relationships?
Will the Real You Please Stand Up!
For decades I felt like a shapeshifter in my various relationships. I subconsciously became what I thought others expected of me so I didn’t disappoint them and so that I wouldn’t feel rejected. By midlife I finally stepped out of that mindset and learned to be more discerning about choosing relationships that are reciprocal and offered mutual regard. I was no longer willing to be part of relationships tainted by compliance and conformity, even if it meant letting go of the hands you believed once held you in place.
Unlike the persistent narrative that midlife is not something to dread or fear, I found it to be a new season to embrace. It illuminates the parts of your life that’s built on a house of cards and where your foundations need to be re-enforced. Your inherent personality, your innate strengths, your natural abilities, even your quirky traits are the elements of your authentic self that make you so beautifully unique. Ironically, that’s also the person the one the world needs most.
Are your boundaries clear and in place?
It’s said that we teach people how to treat us. If my boundaries are blurry and it causes me distress, I can shift those boundaries. Someone else is not to blame. I was a people pleaser for most of my life – achingly uncomfortable with saying No because I’d attached my worth and value to extrinsic acceptance and approval.
Now that my self-worth is no longer tied to external validation, establishing clear boundaries flows easily. Some of the people people around you who benefited from the compliant, people-pleasing you will struggle with the ‘new’ you and others will adapt and evolve with you.
In either case, the writing is on the wall. By midlife, half your life is behind you and your remaining time – your midlife hours holds new and deeper significance. You want to invest in relationships that can hold space for you to be your whole self and vice versa.
Midlife nudges you back to your dreams and aspirations
A question that came to mind when my children started gaining independence is:
What do I do with my life now that my parenting role is shifting?
My midlife transition overlapped with a recurring health issue and unexpected surgery that forced me to slow down. I couldn’t drive, climb stairs, or do any of the usual things that absorbed my time. I spent several weeks in recovery, and used that time to quietly stock of my life and reflecting on all the things I shared here.
Sometimes, clues to the answers we’re looking for are held in the safe custody of our younger selves. I pulled out my old journals, photos, school progress reports, awards and achievements accumulated over the years. I searched for clues to what interested me in earlier life seasons. I noticed what hobbies and passions I nurtured and noticed if any of those things still held an appeal.
There in earlier versions of my self, I came face to face with unspoken hopes and dreams scribbled on dusty pages.
My distorted self and insecurities had me playing hide-and-seek for half my life, playing safe, afraid to try new things or to be fully seen. I was hiding behind doors of fear, failure, ridicule, and shame, miserably unaware of my inherent abilities and strengths. Now, with a newfound sense of self, I wondered if any of those dreams and goals were still possible? Is it too late? Is there still time? Do I have what it will take to pull those dreams from the pages of my journals into reality? So much time had passed.
The Journey of a Thousand Miles Starts with One Small Brave Step
Midlife brings you to a crossroads – a fork in the road and asks you to choose. Either place one foot in front of the other and start moving in the direction of your untapped dreams. Or continue to exist in a comfort of old identities that no longer serve you. Cheered on by the energy that midlife infuses I set the intention to start moving, slowly but steadily.
It’s said that to uncover your deepest passions, it helps to notice your body’s responses in different situations. Whatever sparks joy for you when you are engaging in certain activities, follow that trail. I heeded the suggestions and was pleasantly surprised at the unexpected connections I made between my past and current interests.
What Makes us ‘Tick’?
For the longest time, I was curious to better understand the inner workings of people’s minds. I wanted to know what makes us tick. Because what happens below the surface − our beliefs, values, and views that are formed early in life, drive our thoughts and behaviours.
When the first signs of the empty nest beckoned, I welcomed the opportunity to realize a long-treasured dream to pursue studies in psychology. I opted for a degree in Applied Social Science and relished every moment spent on that learning journey. As a returning student in my late 40s my focus was sharper than in my 20s. I threw myself wholeheartedly into five years of studies. By the time I graduated, I was invited to serve as student representative speaker at the ceremony to share a bit of my academic journey. With pounding heart and wobbly confidence I embraced the opportunity to encourage others seeking healing, wholeness and ways to access their deeper life.
Developing My Passion for Writing
Next to my passion for psychology, I also explored my passion for writing. Virtually and vicariously at first, through others’ success stories, before taking bigger leaps. I was drawn to memoirs, particularly those of like-minded individuals who overcame obstacles still obscuring my pathway. Their courage motivated and nudged me out of my comfort zone. I signed up for writing short courses and workshops and found simple ways to express myself creatively.
Eventually this led to launching this blog, and designing the Midlife Roadmap, a self-paced digital course for midlifers struggling to find a footing in this life season. More recently, I started a substack, Midlife Reflections where I publish reflective essays and poetry related to ongoing growth in midlife.
After years of trying to figure out where and how I fit in this world, the disjointed, undeveloped pieces of my life started coming together like a jigsaw puzzle.
Thriving on Purpose in Midlife
Growth is a Lifelong Journey: My season of becoming is ongoing because growth is a lifelong journey. I continue to gently push my edges to expand my capacity for growth and step more fully into becoming everything I was shaped to be. I do so from a place of restored wholeness and renewed belief in my unconditional human worth.
The Balancing Act: Today, as I juggle various life roles, I honour my introverted strengths and limitations. I regularly rumble with my stories to make sure I stay self-aware about the influences that impact me and how I impact others.
Self-Care: Practicing deliberate self-care is key to maintaining a lifestyle balance. I take long walks in nature. My husband and I take scenic drives through the countryside and along the nearby coastlines. I take time to rest when I’m exhausted. I bake and cook, read and potter around in the garden. Regular journaling helps me make sense of my complex experiences and I draw on these insights for public writing. Around the time I transitioned to midlife I started doing genealogy research to record my family history. I enjoy catching up a few close friends over lunch or dinner. But mostly, I relish solitude where I can think and learn and dream and pray/meditate and write.
Healthy Boundaries: I maintain clear personal boundaries that guard my inner peace and help me cultivate and enjoy healthier relationships that honour the needs of others along with my own. The contributions I make to the world and in my relationships stem from my natural self, as genuine expressions of love rather than a price of acceptance.
Taking Risks: Since I stopped playing it safe and hiding out, my dreams and prayers have become bolder. I’m no longer afraid to take risks, and I allow myself to dream bigger. I’ve come to realize that failing is a normal part of growing and learning, and I’m okay with that. I no longer feel the need to hide behind masks of competency or self-sufficiency, fear of failure, or shame. Instead, I’m focused on trying and re-trying, uncovering my strengths, and building resilience, determination, and diligence to move closer to wholehearted living.
Outlook: I approach life now with deeper inner peace and confidence in my ability to face whatever the future holds. My actions are guided by values such as self-compassion, grace, faith, and hope that guide me gently through each day. I have a deeper trust that life holds mysteries and unexpected possibilities that are still unfolding, and that these are not something to dread or fear.
We have places of fear inside us, but we have other places as well. Places with names like trust, hope, and faith. We can choose to lead from one of those places, to stand on ground that is not riddled with fault lines of fear, to move toward others from a place of promise instead of anxiety. As we stand in one of those places, fear may remain nearby, and our spirits may still tremble. But now we stand on ground that will support us, ground from which we can lead others toward a more trustworthy, more hopeful, more faithful way of being in the world.
PARKER J. PALMER
While no two journeys can be the same because our lives are framed by different life contexts, and distinct factors that make our stories so beautifully unique, I hope that sharing my story will spark your curiosity to explore your midlife season with openness and courage to see what unexpected possibilities may unfold for you.
Welcome to the midlife journey.
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