‘You don’t understand, no-one does. When a woman makes the choice to marry, to have children; in one way her life begins, but in another way it stops. You build a life of details. You become a mother, a wife, and you stop and stay steady so that your children can move. And when they leave, they take your life of details with them. And then you’re expected to move again. Only, you don’t remember what moves you because no one has asked in so long. Not even yourself’.
-FRANCESCA JOHNSON THE BRIDGES OF MADISON COUNTY
With older adults juggling up to eight different roles, days easily flow into weeks, months, and years. For those entering the midlife season, the transition can sneak up on you, almost unnoticed. There are, however, certain moments that jolt you to the awakening.
For some, like the fictional Francesca Johnson, a full-time midlife parent, this can feel overwhelming. Francesca’s awakening happened on a quiet weekend when her family was away. Decades earlier she’d left Italy as a war bride to move to another country. Far removed from her earlier life as a literature student and teacher, Francesta felt even further removed from her old dreams. Now, for a moment, Francesca’s world grew quiet as she went about her chores on a tranquil farm in Iowa, Madison County. She paused long enough to notice and acknowledge that she’d lost a sense of who she once was. She didn’t think anyone could understand how she felt.
If you’re a new empty nester, can you relate to Francesca?
Waking up to midlife is undoubtedly different for everyone. Life context, depth of self-awareness, self-care, health, and juggling busy schedules are some of the things that impact the awakening.
For others, it may be the onset of the dreaded midlife crisis, or a child moving out, leaving you with an empty nest.
EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
According to a 2019 literature review, the empty nest syndrome is particularly triggering. After dedicating almost two decades to full-time caregiving, parents suddenly find themselves at a loss when children reach independence. The study describes the emotions that can surface as follows:
The empty-nest syndrome is a psychological condition that affects both parents, who experience feelings of grief, loss, fear, inability, difficulty in adjusting roles, and change of parental relationships, when children leave the parental home.
psychiatriki 30(4), 2019
My awakening felt like walking out of a dense fog. I could suddenly see my surroundings clearer. For years prior, I was focused I was engrossed in my children’s well-being and invested in shaping their growth, I’d lost sight of my needs.
Fast forward 18 years later when my daughter was wrapping up high school and got her driver’s license, ready to head to college. As she gained independence, the role I’d filled for so many years was about to shift.
While I cheered her eagerness to embrace her next chapter, something dawned on me.
What do I do now? How do I move on to what comes next for me?
Like Francesca, I didn’t remember what used to move me. I felt lost, overwhelmed, and unsure of what to do next.
Around the same time, an unexpected health issue forced me to step away from my busy routines to physically recover. Slowing down allowed me to re-examine my life.
I’d become so entrenched in the details of my children’s growth that I’d lost a sense of my identity. I’d set aside my career, along with any dreams and passions that once fuelled me.
Can I pick up my life where I’d left it all those years ago? Do those dreams and goals still hold true today? Who I was almost two decades ago had evolved.
Who was I now as I stood at the brink of a new chapter?
Common Emotions Associated with the Empty Nest
The Literature Review also highlights a range of emotions that surface when facing an empty nest:
- A sense of sadness
- A feeling of loss
- Fear or uncertainty about the future
- The realization that you need to redefine your parenting role
These feelings can lead to negative outcomes such as depression, alcoholism, an identity crisis, and marital conflict. Or it can lead to new opportunities for reconnection and rekindling of your passions and life interests.
As an introvert with a passion for personal growth and getting to the core of life issues, I leaned toward the second option.
It also helped to understand that my role as a parent wasn’t ending, it was simply shifting.
How Can the Past Shape Your Future?
Far too often, I’ve heard it said to leave the past behind because you can’t change any of it. Instead, focus on the future.
I see it differently.
Before I could step into my next chapter, I needed to take stock of my earlier seasons. I felt the pull to look back to the place I lost a sense of the person I was before I became a parent. I wanted to see how she’d evolved.
Four Ways to Identify Your Dreams and Aspirations
I grabbed a coffee, along with my old journals, and started searching for echoes of who I once was in earlier life seasons with a few simple questions.
- What sort of things did you love doing simply because it brought you joy?
- What hobbies and interests made you feel most vibrant?
- Do your earlier career aspirations still hold appeal?
- What gave you sense of purpose?
- Family History:
I caught up with the adolescent me who loved reading and journaling to escape a fishbowl existence. There was a pull towards stories involving people and their unique cultures and life contexts. - Personal Development:
I checked in on the young adult who had missionary aspirations to help others feel supported and valued amid their challenging life contexts. I wanted to remind them of their inherent worth and uniqueness. - Psychology Literacy:
I recalled the young wife who uncovered a growing interest in psychology and a deep desire to understand what shapes and triggers our behaviors and how they impacted our relationships.
How Can Hobbies and Interests Lead to Uncovering Your Life Purpose?
As I dusted the cobwebs off my old, almost forgotten dreams, a new excitement stirred.
While reminiscing about the things that fueled you earlier in life, chances are you’ll re-awaken old dreams, passions, and interests that you may be surprised to find are all still there. But now, with the passing of time, new experiences, and fresh insights, there’ll be so much more.
My early fascination with people and different cultures evolved into the role of a family historian, who collects and records my family history for current and future generations. This hobby led to uncovering fascinating facts about my family lines that shed light on my complex family history.
The interest in mission work and the passion to encourage others to uncover and embrace their inherent strengths evolved into developing resources to foster personal growth and purposeful living for midlifers.
The curiosity to better understand human behaviour lingered, patiently waiting for the right time to find expression. The opportunity came in midlife when a window of time opened, and I could pursue studies in applied social science.
If you wholeheartedly embraced the parenting role and lost sight of your own growth, dreams and goals along the way, take a closer look. Chances are it was a season of silent growth. You were simply too busy to notice.
Take some time to reflect on your parenting journey through the lens of Philippians 4:8. You may be pleasantly surprised at what you uncover about your growth.
Five ways parenting can shape your growth
- As a caregiver, you learned how to live selflessly and with deeper compassion.
- If you stayed the course through tough times, you deepened your perseverance.
- You learned how to advocate for a vulnerable child.
- You practiced how to set and maintain boundaries in your family life.
- If dug in your heels during challenges, you uncovered your innate strengths, developed perseverance, and deepened your resilience.
Now, as your child steps into independence, one part of your life is shifting, not ending. So, too, are you, as you’re standing at the edge of something new.
As my daughter excitedly welcomed young adulthood, a new life phase was also beckoning me.
I was awakening to midlife!
What about you, midlifers? Can you recall a defining moment that alerted you to the beckoning midlife season?
This article forms part of a series on six midlife guideposts. If you need more support as you transition to midlife, I’ve developed a digital course to support you on the journey to thrive on purpose in midlife.
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