{"id":3206,"date":"2022-09-17T11:47:45","date_gmt":"2022-09-17T09:47:45","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/midlifehours.com\/?p=3206"},"modified":"2023-05-15T02:21:33","modified_gmt":"2023-05-15T00:21:33","slug":"social-anxiety","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/midlifehours.com\/index.php\/2022\/09\/17\/social-anxiety\/","title":{"rendered":"Living with Social Anxiety"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

\u2018Learning to embrace yourself and your imperfections gives you the resilience needed to thrive\u2019 \u2013<\/em>Kristin Neff<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To the world, I had it all together. I appeared to live adventurously, achieve materially and was held up among my family as an example of accomplishment. It\u2019s a lot to constantly live up to, especially when imposter syndrome lurked in the dark taunting me with the lie that you\u2019ll never be good enough<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you\u2019ve read my midlife story<\/a> you know where and why I got stuck on a need to do everything right, proving my capability and worth. My low self-concept caused me to play safe, afraid to try new things unless I could predict a successful outcome.\u00a0 Living with such self-imposed limitations kept me from stepping into my full potential beyond the external decorations that others regard as \u2018success\u2019. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Parker Palmer eloquently echoed what I felt beneath all that fluff:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018The life I am living is not the same as the life that wants to live in me. In those moments I sometimes catch a glimpse of my true life, a life hidden like the river beneath the ice. And in the spirit of the poet, I wonder: What am I meant to do? Who am I meant to be?\u2019<\/em> (LET YOUR LIFE SPEAK).<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The striving for perfectionism, external achievements, and the many roles I fill subconsciously spilt over into those relationships. Perfectionism was my yardstick for life. Anything less caused me to cringe with shame in the repeating life refrain \u2018you\u2019re not good enough<\/em>\u2019.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In midlife<\/a> when reflected on my earlier life seasons and the pivotal experiences that shaped me, new truths and insights emerged. Once I understood where that false belief was rooted, I decided enough was enough. I intentionally pulled that weed from my subconscious and started stepping into a renewed, redeemed identity fragranced with unconditional love and inherent self-worth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But there was something else too that helped me shift from self-criticism and unrealistic expectations and perfectionism to gentler self-acceptance. It\u2019s a lesson my daughter taught me about self-compassion<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Self-compassion is extending compassion to oneself in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering\u2019<\/em> \u2013 Definitions.net<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kristin Neff, a developmental psychologist, and a pioneer in the field of self-compassion wrote about failure, perceived inadequacy, and imperfection. She states \u201cWhether we\u2019re living up to our ideals at the moment, or failing miserably, we can relate to ourselves with kindness and concern. Rather than managing our self-image so that it is always palatable, self-compassion honours the fact that all human beings have both strengths and weaknesses.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Neff cites research that links self-compassion to higher levels of happiness, optimism, curiosity, and connectedness and decreased anxiety, depression, rumination, and fear of failure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The idea of developing such self-compassion was liberating. That is, to have the freedom to allow ourselves to sometimes fail and still feel worthy. This was a foreign concept to me until my child showed me how this is possible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My daughter had just started grade school and there was unease that ‘something was wrong’ with her. She didn\u2019t speak to anyone at school, nor did she participate in class activities. She stood back timidly watching her classmates run and play. They eagerly raised their hands to answer questions and speak their young minds.\u00a0She stood by silently, locked behind a wall of anxiety. Concerns floated around that she \u2018didn\u2019t fit in\u2019 with the unfamiliar environment. And that perhaps that school was \u2018not the right place\u2019 for her.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She was diagnosed with social anxiety that presented in early life with selective mutism. Selective mutism is defined as a severe anxiety disorder where a person is unable to speak in certain social situations. This is more obvious in school or in unfamiliar crowded social environments. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We didn\u2019t notice these symptoms sooner because in a comfortable, familiar environment the symptoms are not apparent. The child we knew at home was the opposite of the way she presented at school.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I wish I can say that once we identified the problem, we were able to quickly fix it and file it away as one more \u2018accomplishment\u2019. But this was not the case.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

How do I, a self-driven perfectionist when it comes to my own challenges and achievements and striving to live up to others\u2019 expectations, respond to my child whose journey ahead was rife with challenges and setbacks that promised to be anything but \u2018perfect\u2019?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n